I Need A REAL Change and I'm Frustrated

Sometimes it feels like every time I want to lose weight, feel good, be healthy I have to reinvent the wheel for myself. I lose a couple pounds, then revert. I don't know what holds me back, but it's nights like tonight where I literally just didn't know what to do with myself. So I'm writing this blog.

It has come to my attention recently that I live a very busy life. I mean, I'm a "yes-man" when it comes to after work meetings, endless weekend plans with family and friends, volunteering, music rehearsal, projects. . . even just cooking dinner can feel like a whole project. So, I've decided to say "no" to things and try to actively curate my calendar to have more time for myself. More time to write, read, play video games--but also time to be active and feel more at home in my body.

I have always had trouble with my weight for a number of reasons. I have narrowed them down to a few for the sake of this post:

1. Sedentary job
2. Sedentary hobbies (knitting, reading, video games)
3. Hashimoto's thyroiditis
4. Laziness

I love cuddling up under a blanket on the couch and chilling until it's time to go to bed. I love staying up late watching movies, tv shows, or playing games. And sometimes, I am just downright lazy and don't want to do anything. I'll own up to that. The thyroiditis I can't help, but I believe it has a huge impact on my mood, energy, and appetite.

Also, my doctor said recently I am obese--that is I am in the "obese" range of the BMI scale. Say what you will about this scale, but I feel the difference from a few years ago. I sure as hell feel like I have 20-30 extra lbs that I lug around with my everywhere. I would say I have "tried everything" but I haven't. Which is where my recent decision to sign up for BeachBody On Demand comes in.

Katie M. married one of my brother's best friends from college, and I met her the first day I moved to DC for grad school. She has always been a distant cheerleader for me in my struggles, and she is one of the most positive people I have ever met. Through sheer willpower and determination, she and her husband were able to pay down their debts, buy a house, and have a daughter, all while living a healthy lifestyle. I can't say I'm not envious of that, but she inspires me to be a better person with each milestone she reaches.

Katie is going to be my coach for my Beachbody journey, and I have signed up for a year of their programs. Essentially there is a nutrition component, and daily workouts to help trim down and see results.

That said, I don't know what my own milestones are, but this step feels like a step in the right direction. There are a lot of things holding me back--financially, emotionally, physically--but I want to overcome these and move onto a new lifestyle altogether. I know my family and friends will be supportive as they always are, but I want you guys to know that I am coming from a very vulnerable place in my life as I write this post.

For the past year or so I have not been my happiest. Maybe call it a "quarter-life crisis" as John Maher did. I try to stay positive and keep it together, but I need a real change. I feel that grind of going to work day in and day out, with no time to recoup. Some nights I stay up late almost because I'm afraid that I'll just continue to do nothing the next day. And there are so many things I thought I would accomplish by now, and I can't help feeling disappointed in myself. I won't go into it, but let's just say my "life plan" was thrown off track a long time ago, and I'll never recover.

...

So I'm frustrated, and I want to make this work. I envision myself waking up early to do my workouts or make a smoothie (waking up the neighbors in the process). Or, taking time at lunch to workout outside with the Beachbody app. I'm just glad that Katie will be there to help me through the struggle that this blog is so aptly named for.

If you read this far, thanks so much for your support. We'll see how this goes over the next week or so.

<3